review of my 2007 + updates

wow.. it´s been like forever since i wrote here. i just haven´t been in the mood i guess...

things are going pretty good. i feel stronger and happier than in a long time. but its still a few more miles to walk in my broken shoes.

however. here´s something else i wrote:

http://feelinglistless.blogspot.com/2007/12/review-2007-home_03.html


it´s a guestblog for feeling listless, a review on 2007.

enjoy and take care!
xoxoxo
/jen*

3 months and 137 xanax later...

yeah time flies when youre in a coma. a strange thing that i realized today is that even though it feels like a lifetime for me, the world hasnt changed that much. both in a good and a bad way.

my days are pretty much the same ut im starting to enjoy them. i enjoy cold evening walks in the dark and i enjoy being alone. a few months ago i was terrified of being alone. so im gettin there. slowly, but still.

im not takin the pills as often. used to take em two times a day to prevent the anxiety attacks. now i only take them once in a while. sometimes it passes a few days and it feels really good! this evening is a bit shakey. im really tired and that makes me feel a bit off. but i have decided to reaaallly try not to take a pill tonite. if i dont i have managed three whole days without one!

as you might understans i am still struggeling, but mostly i feel pretty good. i never have a whole day filled with bad feelings anymore. maybe 1-2 hours at tops. and thats pretty amazing! im trying to stay positive and think of all the good things that has happend. i have lost some friends but i have also gained a few new ones. i have lost some sence but also came to a lot of new conclusions. i have died a little, but most importantly: i have resurrected into something stronger than ever, at least in a different way.

i used to be constantly scared about how my life would turn out. now i know that i have the fate in my hands. i will decide how my life shall turn out. no one else can decide that for me. no god, no angel. i think its really up to me. but then again, we all have our beliefs. YOU might have a completely different version of life and death.

i have to stay focused. remember the progress i have made. but sometimes its hard when youve had a few good days and it suddently falls apart again.

have to..
stay sane..
focus on the light...
dont let it slip away...
have to..
stay strong.....

long way to happy?

"It's gonna take a long time to love, It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into, Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone, Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah"
(pink - long way to happy)

"days filled with joy and days filled with sorrow". thats also words that could describe how my past weeks have been. and i guess that´s normal? and i´m getting stronger every day. but still i´m not satisfied.. i wanna take bigger steps now. climb higher mountains.. but it takes time.. it really does.
last night though i tried to visualize that tomorrow everything will be as usual again. and so far, it seems like it has worked! :)

even though i still feel very lonely here, it´s okey. i´m actually most comfortable with myself anyways. when i can do whatever i want and walk around just in panties and a t-shirt because it´s too hot, or not wearing make-up for weeks.

i think that i´m having some kinda life crisis. but it´s fine. i mean, i know i will come out of this stronger than ever. and fall is here now... the leaves are turning yellow, orange and all the other colours i usually dont like, but it feels warm even though its getting colder outside. im enjoying fall for the first time in many years and i have so much hope. mostly... ;)

im longing for the days when i will be able to go out clubbing again, hooking up with friends i havent seen in a while (like candy, my precious!). makin new friends and dumping the old ones that doesnt seem to care when youre not out getting wasted every weekend.

well oh well. i´m having more energy these days so im working on some new songs again and looking for a studio where i can record.

now im off. the sun is shining here today and i wanna take advantage of this beautiful day!
kisskiss bangbang!
xoxoxo
/jen*

nicotine, caffine, sugar fix...

...jesus, dont you get tired of turning tricks?

i decided to cut down on the cigarettes a few days ago.. its fuckin hard but i really needed to because i started vomiting when i tried to smoke :-/ so now i try to chew those nictotine chewing gums. and well.. theyre funky haha.. i kinda have a love/hate-relationshop towards them.. but its hard to keep it on a good balance.. between gettin too much or too little nicotine..

the detox after smoking 2 packs a day for 10 years isn´t easy.. and the worst thing is that it reminds of the anxiety attacks. so i take a pill fro the anxiety but it doesnt help.. and then i try to chew some nictotine but then it gets too strong so i get dizzy. haha.. damn.. why cant i just feel GOOD for once? i mean for more than just one day.

yesterday was kick-ass. felt so good in everyway, but today has been pretty crappy.. i know i shouldnt complain because its so much better than a month ago. but im still alone in my apartment and it makes me go CRAZY!! big time. blah...

but soon.. soon.

if you havent checked my website for a while, there has been some updates.. interviews, reviews and stuff. so go have a look: www.jennyferstar.com

talk to ya soon.
xoxoxoxo
/jennyfer

premenstrual monster bitch

so it´s that time of the month again, and DAMN! i dunno where to start.. i got of my birth control pills a few months ago because i thought it cant be good to fill your body with extra hormones your whole life.. but, my body has totally been makin some noize since then... so above the usual anxiety and shit, theres this prementrual syndrome (or maybe even disorder) that makes me feel like im having the flu.. so when ive had a couple of better weeks and think im almost back on track i start falling again. vomiting every morning, feeling sick, having cramps and so on (and no, im not pregnant). it feels like a vicious circle. catch 22. dunno where to start to get out of it...

but! i started taking new pills that are supposed to help to ease the pms so im hoping next month will be better.

except from that i havent been doin much. just bein a slacker, taking walks with my dog and planning my future healthy life haha..
i have really focused on embracing the fall and it actually works! i like the cold wind and the fresh air. im really looking forward to this fall and winter. and with that attitud i think it will a lot easier to feel well!

take care of each other out there.
hope to see ya soon!
xoxoxoxo
/jennyfer

home sweet home

im back home again. after about a month of nature healing on the country side.

it feels strange that my whole summer past away in anxiety, but im not really mad about it anymore.. i don´t wanna waste my energy on negativity. it´s getting colder and the fall will arrive soon here in sweden.. i usually get winter depressions but you know what? i have decided that this fall is going to be the best one in my life! im going to embrace the beautiful colors, the chilly winds and the magic in the air. im going to embrace the snow and the beauty in the white winter landscapes and i will enjoy cuddeling up in the sofa with a cup of vanilla tea with someone i love, watching movies and talking about life and her ways. so yeah...

i want to thank all of you sweet cherry pies that have written messages to cheer me up. YOU ALL ROCK MY WORLD!

another thing that ive realized is that some ppl have read the lyrics to "who knew" which i posted on my picture diary and you seem to think that that is the song i wrote to dave. but its not. "who knew" is a pink song from her latest album "im not dead". i posted the lyrics because it has touched me very deeply and i think about dave when i hear it. but its NOT my song.. my song dedicated to dave is still not recorded, but hopefully will be pretty soon!

later sweeties!

where are my soldiers? where is the gun?

days go by.. and they are blurry. its like i cant grab the day and seize it completely, the way i would like to. although, i keep reminding myself that it keeps gettin better and i just have to hold on a little longer until im back for real. a good thing about this mess is that i know it will give me material for very good songs haha.. but i will try to write more positive songs.. to be a positive person is nothin im used to but im trying really hard.. because i think that i will not be able to BECOME a positive person, with positive experiences in life unless i think more positive.. so maybe the key is to write positive songs, not like la-la songs but still.. my sensitivity with a positive touch? (btw i dont think i have written the word "positive" this many times ever haha)

yesterday i realized that this must have been a drug overdose.. for a while i thought this period of anxiety, vomiting and outer body experiences was just a "normal anxiety period" or one of my depressions. but well.. i don´t recognize it... it´s not like the anxiety attacks that you can control in ANY way.. it´s ´not like it´s coming from the head or inside of ME, its more like its coming from something else.. and this makes me really pissed off. how can anyone do this to someone else? put something in their drink and then watch them ache for MONTHS! (yes, its been over a month since i fell into pieces) half of my precious summer is gone because of this.. and this was supposed to be the summer where i grew stronger.. maybe i will grow stronger.. i mean, "what doesn´t kill you only makes you stronger", but hey.. i must be like pop eye the sailor by now (i like spinach too ;))!

if anyone who reads this was at pub anchor on july 11th and saw something unusual. please let me know... id like to sort this out in some way.. even if it was that i zipped from someone elses bottle of beer and the drug wasnt meant for me...

another thing i have been thinkin about is something i think about in every downward spirale i have experienced.. and its about my soldiers. my friends. why do they always come and go when youre in the deepest depressions, the blackest holes? i think theres an old saying about that.. that when you are sick, you get to know who your real friends are, or something like that... but im always as surprised.. both about how many ppl that turn their back on you when you need them the most, as well as how many ppl that really cares when you didnt expect them to.

i do know that i tend to isolate myself a bit when i feel blue. but its because i cant deal with the energy that the rest of the ppl have.. cuz i dont have it.. to quote dear dave: "the vigour of another, wont give me the energy, to feel the lust i dont feel, a straight line of evil sinergy." thats exactly how it feels.. i dont have the power to just go out and get drunk and pretend that im okey, when im not.. i guess some ppl deal with their sorrows that way, but i just cant.. not anymore..

i just wanna feel like myself again. rockin, rollin, makin midnite music..

this entry became rather long.. but bare with me.. i just have to ramble every once in a while.

talk to ya later
xoxoxo
/jennyfer